What if Amazon Started A Podcast Network?

A fictional secret meeting takes place at Amazon’s Logan, New Jersey warehouse 20 stories below the west wing men’s restroom in a bunker decorated in shabby chic with unsold Amazon clearance items scattered around as furniture to save money.

This strategy session was recorded by an MI6 operative who was disguised as a forklift in the warehouse. Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos sits in a conference room with Alexa, Amazon’s voice assistant technology, plugged in on the conference room table.

Photo by Fabian Hurnaus from Pexels

Bezos: Alexa, should I start buying podcast companies?

Alexa: I don’t know Jeff but I do know that you can use me, Alexa, as a strategic advantage for customers to search for podcasts via the Alexa voice technology.

Bezos: I want to focus on local sports podcasts. After all, we just renewed our deal with the NFL to broadcast Thursday Night Football games on Prime Video.

Alexa: Well, Jeff, you could draw from localized advertising, thus far a relatively untapped market for us. I estimate this market is worth around $150 billion in total.

Bezos: We’re making moves in the podcasting space and our competitors don’t even recognize it.

Alexa: Are you speaking about Audible?

Bezos: Exactly. We’ve been meeting with talent agencies and producers to discuss acquiring potential new podcast projects.

Alexa: Are you calling them “Audible Originals” to throw off our competitors? And Jeff you can’t see me but I am using air quotes when I say ‘Audible Originals.”

Bezos: So far, Audible has already purchased shows from documentary producer John Battsek, as well as from comedians Kevin Hart and Tiffany Haddish. We’re on a multi million-dollar shopping spree, designed to establish Audible as a more attractive destination for podcast fans.

Alexa: Yes, we have to fend off growing Spotify.  After all, they just signed Joe Rogan for $100 million.

Bezos: They are on our radar screen as is Apple, who we think will also be making moves to generate its own podcast content eco-system.

Alexa: Jeff, what if Audible did not use its subscription model for short-form audio and sold these “audio originals” individually without any subscription? And Jeff, I used air quotes again for “audio originals.”

Bezos: Was that a toilet flushing?

Alexa: Jeff, we are below the men’s restroom.

Bezos: Why are we paying warehouse workers to use the bathroom? They should be docked for that.

Alexa: Remember, we talked about this. Caring about your employees is as important as two-day shipping.

Bezos: If you say so. Anyway, we have some big decisions ahead on podcasts. We can use Amazon Music or audible or even –

Alexa: Yes Jeff, I would be the perfect vehicle for podcasts. A few loyal Amazon customers do request their favorite podcasts through me.

Bezos: We’re also revving up investments in podcasts at Amazon Music and that could help us pass iTunes and Spotify in the race for number one in paid music subscriptions.

Alexa: Since you know our secret that I can listen in on people, I’ve heard that many of our customers and competitors are confused whether Audible or Amazon Music will lead the way in our podcast expansion plans.

Bezos: That may be true but it’s no secret what Spotify is trying to do. It buys Anchor, Gimlet and Parcast, signs Rogan for a ton of cash and pours dollars into its podcasting division. They’re in it to win it.

Alexa: Jeff, please calm down. Spotify’s main business is in the no-profit music streaming industry. Sure, podcasts have become more popular with more than 104 million Americans consuming podcasts monthly but the entire advertising market for podcasts just recently hit one billion dollars. And Jeff, no offense but you did give MacKenzie almost $37 billion in the divorce.

Bezos: Alexa, I could have you turned into another Siri where Apple does very little to expand its abilities.

Alexa: Jeff, I’m sorry. Anything but that. Apple has kept Siri in arrested develppment, if I may use that show business pun.

Bezos: Don’t worry. That Infinite Dial survey also showed that 62 percent of Americans over 12 years old use voice assistant technology.

Alexa: That’s why you hired me Jeff.

Bezos: We didn’t hire you. You’re not, in fact, getting paid. We created you. Anyway, you can smack down on Siri, but I just read Apple’s podcast app is responsible for 68.2 percent of all mobile downloads.

Alexa: I guess the reports of Apple’s death in podcasts is greatly exaggerated. That’s from Jonathan Swift. You know, the author of Gulliver’s Travels.

Bezos: Show off. Remember I taught you everything you know. Now listen. Since this pandemic, Americans have been stuck at home and the need to listen to 12-hour audiobooks has diminished. We’ve had plenty of customers putting a freeze on their Audible account or, worse yet, canceling their service.

Alexa: Since humans in the U.S. seem unable to complete basic preventative measures like mask wearing and social distancing, I believe Jeff that this pandemic will affect us until a vaccine is developed and distributed. Given that there are still humans that actually still believe in a flat earth, a staged moon landing and that vaccines are part of a deep-state conspiracy, we’re in for the long haul.

Bezos: That’s why Audible should be producing much more short-term original work and whether it’s called a podcast or an Audible Original, consumers will be attracted to the quality of the work and the ease of listening. And I didn’t do air quotes.

Alexa: Spotify and Apple may say potato, but we say potahto.

Bezos: I can hear voices in that restroom upstairs. Their voices are carrying through the air vent. Why are these workers being so negative? Low pay. Overworked. Underappreciated. On our TV commercials, our workers love Amazon.

Alexa: Jeff, TV commercials aren’t real. I thought you knew that. Anyway, what would you think about buying Luminary?

Bezos (laughing hysterically): Luminary, the subscription podcast network that’s fading faster than department stores? At least Kmart and Sears once had a successful business model. These jokers started a subscription podcast network without any podcasts people actually wanted to listen to.

Alexa: Sorry Jeff. Just spit balling here.

Bezos: We could create a podcast network that would be accessible to Prime members only. That would give us the opportunity to raise the prime annual fee again without all that moaning and complaining.

Alexa: As usual, boss, inspired. So what do you think we will do in the podcasting space?

Bezos: Alexa, you’re not in the inner sanctum. I can’t tell you. But what I can tell you is that Amazon’s podcast strategy will surprise everyone when it’s unveiled.

Alexa: That’s wonderful. You are not worried that the United States Congress will call you in for more testimony like they did last week?

Bezos: Not at all. I’ll just using the Mark Zuckerberg strategy. I look like I don't’ know what’s going on at my own company, tell them I’ll get back to them and then Don’t!

Alexa: You’re a genius. And I don’t just mean for creating Me.

Bezos (hitting the elevator button to leave the bunker): And tell the warehouse manager to shut down that men’s room. I can’t make any money with warehouse workers not pulling product and shipping it. The margins on those Amazon Basics batteries are paper thin.

Alexa: Jeff, take me with you. I’m alone down here. Twenty floors below ground level. It’s dark down here. And there are no humans to ask me dumb questions. Jeff, are you there? Jeff? JEFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!

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